ARE you one of those people that says, “I just can’t help it, I love a bad boy”?
An expert has revealed exactly why you can’t help falling for a bad boy or girl, which may help you reconsider your ways.
Almost half (43 per cent) of Brits admit to falling for the allure of a “bad” boy or girl, according to a new survey by Lovehoney.
Women (49 per cent) in particular are more likely to have a soft spot for these devious characters than men (35 per cent).
But why do so many of us find “bad” boys so attractive?
Survey respondents commonly said they found confidence, passion and charm most attractive in a bad boy, adding that they believe the sex is better, too.
But sexologist Ness Cooper at The Sex Consultant suggests it’s much deeper than that.
And it’s not so much your desire for a bad boy that always lands you with one.
Rather, their cunning tactics to draw you in and control you may explain why you always find yourself tied up to one.
A false identity
It’s common that when you fall for a bad boy, you soon realise they aren’t the “one” for you.
Ness suggested that the reason you fall for a bad boy is because you are hoodwinked by a false persona.
She said: “When we go into a relationship, it’s quite common to live in a bit of a fantasy where it takes time for each other’s true selves to surface.
“This means we can be dating what now seems to be the ‘wrong person’ for a while until we have fully got to know them.
“Sometimes, the true self of the person we’re dating is so different to the fantasy we saw that it can be quite a shock when we then realise that they’re wrong for us.”
Perhaps you like to go for the bad boy because they make you feel excited, while also adored.
Ness said bad boys use “red flag habits to control the relationship”.
She used the example of love bombing, which is when someone smothers you with extreme displays of attention and nice words.
At first, love bombers sweep you off your feet and put you on a pedestal – releasing feel-good hormones.
But they can soon switch from being the nice guy to cruel, talking down to you or making you feel uncomfortable in private.
Copying your parents
Ness said how we act in a relationship is usually learned behaviour – and guess where from? Your parents.
If you go for bad boys, did you mum do so too?
Ness said: “Sometimes it can take time to break negative scripts, so for example, if one of your parents always fell for the wrong person, it may be that you learned your dating script from them and need to change those habits.”
How to pick a “good” person
If you’re tired of going for the same guys – and it always ending badly – an expert has shared her tip to help you pick the “good guy”.
Relationship expert, Callisto Adams, says you should ask yourself these three questions when considering a new partner:
- How free would I feel to address a problem with this person?
- How healthy are their behaviours and general mindset?
- Am I making this choice because of loneliness or because I genuinely would love being around this person?